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[!summary]Psychotherapy works best when patients know what to expect and how to participate. Talking openly helps you understand yourself and change patterns over time. Therapy takes patience, and strong feelings are part of the healing process.
Highlights
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Talk as openly as you can about whatever is on your mind, without editing or censoring yourself. This may sound easy, but it’s often incredibly difficult. Some thoughts will seem unimportant. Others may feel unpleasant, embarrassing, or inappropriate, including thoughts about your therapist. Say them anyway. If you notice something is getting in the way of speaking openly, bring it up. Talk about what’s making it difficult.
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It can be hard to see how “just talking” will help, but talking is the heart of psychotherapy. As you talk, you come to know yourself better. You start to recognize patterns. New options and possibilities emerge.
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The benefits are not immediate. At first, there may be no obvious connection between what you’re talking about and how your problems will improve. It’s like planting a tree. There’s no immediate connection between planting seeds and eating apples, but if you plant seeds and tend to them, apples will come.
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It’s very different. With friends, you pick and choose what you talk about. In therapy, you try to say whatever comes to mind, without knowing in advance where your thoughts may lead. Friends take turns sharing information. In therapy, you will do most of the talking. Your therapist will learn a great deal about you, but you’ll know much less about them.
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When you start therapy, you should feel you can talk to your therapist and that they are interested in you and able to understand you. If you don’t connect in the beginning, it’s wiser to choose someone else. As therapy continues, there will be times when you feel upset, disappointed, or angry. This is normal. When it happens, it’s important to talk about what’s bothering you. This is not the time to skip sessions or quit. It’s the time to talk about it. If you’ve been working comfortably together and suddenly find yourself feeling angry or wanting to quit, it may mean therapy has touched on something difficult and important. That’s often when the most valuable work happens.
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At different times, you may have feelings toward your therapist similar to feelings you’ve had in other important relationships—including hurt, disappointment, fear, and anger. Talking about these feelings is crucial. When you discuss your feelings toward your therapist, you’ll also be learning about yourself and your relationship patterns. This makes it possible to recognize and rework self-defeating patterns—so you don’t have to keep repeating them.
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A key difference between therapy and other relationships is that in therapy, you talk about your feelings instead of acting on them. For example, if you’re angry with someone else, you might avoid them or retaliate. If you’re physically attracted to someone else, you might act on the attraction. But in therapy, you talk about these feelings. This is how you gain self-awareness. Whatever feelings you have are okay; the important thing is to talk about them.
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Psychotherapy is not something done to you, like a medical procedure. It’s a collaboration and a partnership. What you put in shapes what you get out.